Bai’s Death Ballad pt2

Grums, his black Siberian, greeted him at the door with loud complaints for food. Knowing the fat asshole cat had a very nice, state-of-the-art feeder that was definitely not empty, Bai prioritized showering and then getting changed. He selected a pair of cherry red satin boxers, a fluffy white leopard print robe, demon bunny slippers, and a fuzzy blue and purple hat with one electric green eyeball embroidered in the center like a third eye. By his judgment, such that it was, this was a decent outfit to potentially die in; it was expensive and absurd, just like him. He even considered putting on some truly cringe jewelry to complete the look, but first: cake. 

Good news: Grums’ bowl was, in fact, mostly full; he’d just eaten a hole in the middle and could see his dish, how dare. “Really?” Bai commented to the haughty feline, who supervised from a perch on one of the stools at the kitchen island as the human slave knelt and gave the dish a shake to cover the bottom evenly again. “Iuhno if this is more embarrassing for you or me. Bone appetite, DumbScrummy.” 

Minutes later, Bai had planted himself on the couch in his ‘entertainment den’ with a big ol’ slice of the bombass cheesecake he’d made for himself, a double of bourbon neat, and the next season of Golden Girls queued up on the tv. Before he got this party started, he typed out a text to his bestie Ling that read: “Yo, if you got this, it means she finally won. Sorry I couldn’t do better and be there for you longer. I’ll make it up to you in the next life, brother. Would appreciate it if you found new homes for the bebes. Luh you, boo.” He signed it with a kissy octopus emoji and then scheduled for it to be sent at noon the day after next. Then he set a reminder for himself to delete that message at 8am the same day, if he happened to still be alive to do so.

He was about to hit ‘play’ when he realized, “Hol’ up, I forgot the whip!” 

Bai sprang back to his feet, taking his cake with him since Grums was already coveting it from the place he’d claimed on the back of the couch. Sure enough, there was the heavy ‘thump!’ of the greedy feline landing on the floor to trot after him, unwilling to lose sight of the delicious treat. 

On his way back into the living room, an aerosol can of whipped cream in one hand and his plate of cake in the other, Bai answered one of Grums’ demanding ‘mrow!’s with, “For the last fucking time, I do not owe you cake, ya prick. Not unless you’re gonna scoop your own diarrhea from ya litter box n’ pay for ya own vet bills. Ya wanna start makin demands? Why don’t ya start paying ren–”

Something moved in the corner of his eye. Bai halted on the spot and stared down the darkened hallway in which he’d seen it. The feline at his feet gave a sudden yowl and bolted to the safety of the living room, spooked. “Aright, here we fuckin’ go…” Bai sighed to himself and flicked the hall light on with the end of the cream can. 

At first, all seemed right. The artwork on the walls, the doors to the guest room, the gym, his workshop all hung open. But he knew better and waited, and saw the movement happen again, somewhere in the full-length mirror mounted on the wall at the end of the hall. He stared at his own distant reflection through narrowed eyes, and upon seeing a vague shift in his reflected countenance, gave a testy ‘tsk’ and changed his course to meander towards it. 

The moment he’d turned into the hall, the Forest stirred once more, dancing at the edges of his vision with more clarity. He thought he perceived a naked canopy of dead branches spidering its way across the ceiling, stepped over the roots he swore had begun to erupt from the floor.

When he arrived in front of the mirror, Bai squatted down and rested his elbows on his knees with his plate still clasped in one hand, and he leaned his head forward to peer at what should have been his own face. He wasn’t surprised to see Baba Yaga’s ugly mug there instead. 

“Can ya give it a fuckin rest for once? Every year with you,” he griped in the old, dead Russian dialect she’d originally come with. Her gnarled face contorted into a greedy grin, the deep grooves of age in her skin becoming more pronounced with the movement and making her even uglier. 

“Another year past, another age reached~. To Kwon Bai, what did this year teach?” 

“Not to belch n’ fart at the same time,” he retorted and squirted a large mouthful of whipped cream into his mouth. 

The hag wasn’t discouraged. “You know what year this is~!” 

“Nah, I stopped countin’ years ago.” 

“Perhaps you have, but I have not. It is yr twenty-seventh year! Three! It is three nines! Nine is three threes! The year of threes!” 

Bai considered this while picking cheesecake out of his molars with his tongue. He was so used to her antics by now, he could follow her special brand of logic here, but chose not to play along. “Congrats on discoverin’ basic math, Count. Zat the end of show n’ tell?”  

The hag hissed at him then and lurched forward as if to break out of the mirror and throttle him with her knobby hands. She couldn’t. They both knew this. So Bai just set the can aside and took another large bite of cheesecake and chewed. Through his mouthful, he said, “This is really good. Too bad ya can’t have any.”

Baba Yaga’s face twisted and cracked like old bark, her iron teeth gnashing with impatience. Finally, she gave up the whole song and dance to jump right to the point. “The rule of three, boy! You petulant little cub! It MUST be obeyed; there is no denying! You may yowl at the truth and snap yr teeths at it and snag it with wiley claw, but there is no escaping the price you bear, boy. It is yrs, and that is that, so bear it!” 

Bai’s chewing slowed to a stop, and after a moment where he considered telling her to fuck off (which she unfortunately couldn’t do), he rolled his eyes and stood to shuffle off without a word. He returned shortly, plate of half-eaten cheesecake still in one hand, and in the other he carried a revolver. He sat down in front of the mirror again with legs criss-crossed and plate balanced atop them. 

“Of course, you’re aware I already been through, like, SIX trials by now, yeah? Maybe now’s a good time ta, like, fuckin stop.” 

“Three trials per journey. Life is a series of journeys, boy, and yr on the precipice of a new one.” 

Bai’s nose scrunched up at that. He decided to try a different tactic. “Y’know, I’m actually 28 in Korea.” 

She balked. “You are 27 to me. It has been three years since the last, it was three years before that. This is the third year, Kwon BaekHyeon; do not test me!” 

“Or what? You’ll kill me? Be my fuggin’ guest! One of us is bound ta figure out how ta kill me sooner or later.” 

He checked the gun to see how many bullets were already in there. Fully loaded. 

“How ‘bout all six?” he offered. 

“Three,” she insisted. 

“But six is two three’s~. I know how you get off on them multiples of–” 

“Three,” she rasped again. 

“Ok, so are ya gonna be picky ‘bout ya threes, or loosey goosey with ‘em? Make up ya damn mind.” 

He removed all six bullets from the cylinder and put three of them back before snapping it shut, cocking it, and placing the tip of the barrel to the side of his head. His eyes lifted to meet the Baba’s mismatched stare in the mirror as he pulled his hat off. “I have a feelin’ this is the lucky one,” he taunted. “Have ya thought about where you’ll go? Cuz I’m the end a the line.” 

She returned his smirk with her own malicious one and said, “This would be too simple a death for Kwon BaekHyeon.” 

The old witch’s confidence in Bai’s luck slapped the postured amusement right off his face. All he could manage after was an uncertain grimace, but he was finally finished stalling. 

Once he’d made the decision to play the game, there was no more need for words. She snickered almost girlishly and disappeared from view so he was left staring at himself with the gun to his head and cake in his lap like an asshole. The Forest creeped in again, reaching down from the ceiling. It overtook the mirror, obscuring all parts of it but where his eyes remained. Bai stared dazedly into them, watching them flicker between rich sable-brown and a mismatched leer the color of ice and snow. He could see parts of his face morph as he slowly became her, the Baba, the creature of the wood, force of nature; friend, guide, and adversary. The Forest had obscured everything he’d thought to be true, until all that was left was shadow and bark, and he was alone in the dark, unknown to himself. 

‘click!’ 

With the sound of the trigger, the real world snapped back into view with dizzying suddenness. 

There had been no bullet.  

He’d survived it again. 

Panting, Bai let his hand drop heavily with the gun still in it as he heaved a sigh – of relief or disappointment, he wasn’t yet sure. But somehow, he had a feeling he’d just lost. 

His eyes fell closed and he slumped, catching his forehead in the cradle of his free hand. “Fuck.” The birthday boy flicked the gun away carelessly as the hag cackled triumphantly in the back of his mind. It went skating across the hardwood floor and into the ‘gym’ where it would be forgotten until morning.

“Aight, well, it doesn’t HAVE to happen today anyway!” Bai called after her, knowing full well she was within him and outwardly verbalizing it was unnecessary. “I could die anytime!” He warned as he stood up again and trudged back into the living room to rejoin The Golden Girls at long last. “A frozen block a shit could fall outta the sky from a plane n’ take me right the fuck out. Just a matter a fuckin time, ya old bitch!” 

Bai’s eyes fell back down to his cheesecake and he realized with dismay that he no longer felt like eating it. Cheesecake, after all, is for victory. So he set it over on the side table with a forlorn look and pulled his phone out. First and foremost, he went ahead and erased the message and reminder he’d set earlier. While he did this, Grums had come out from his hiding spot beneath the couch and hopped back up onto it with Bai. 

“What up, GrumRummyyy~ya prick,” he greeted the cat affectionately, with a good scratch around his ears and face. While the feline purred and rubbed his face against Bai’s hand, the human roommate became distracted tapping out a message to Ling that read: ‘yo. I hate to ask this but i think i might need some help. Thangs about to get real froggy’